Mirrors and Smoke
by MeridaPevensie
Summary: X-Men: First Class. Song!fic set to Mirrors and Smoke by Jars of Clay. Love hurts and sometimes it feels like you can never love someone enough, but honestly it's enough for them just to know you love them. Erik/Charles


**Title: Mirrors and Smoke**

**Song: Mirrors and Smoke by Jars of Clay – Good Monsters (album)**

**Warnings: Angsty love, overly sappy gifts and greeting cards, the fact that I'm using a song from a Christian band for a slash fanfic… (Mmm...Sacrilicious.)**

**Pairing/Characters: Charles/Erik, Mystique(Raven), Sean, Alex**

**Rating: Pg-13**

**Spoilers: X-Men: First Class (duh) and possibly the X-Men trilogy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men…if I did then the beach scene in First Class would have ended differently and the whole X-Men series would have been different (also possibly incredibly less kid friendly…). Alas, Marvel owns the X-men and they care not a bit about my opinion. I don't own Mirrors and Smoke, that belongs to Jars of Clay.**

**A/N: This song is just about perfect for Erik and Charles. It is sung by two singers. #1 I've designated Erik and #2 is Charles.**

**I don't know, I don't feel especially great about this one, but I had to write it once the idea grabbed me. Whatever…**

* * *

><p>Every morning he woke up feeling ten years older than he'd felt when he went to bed the night before. Two weeks had passed since the conflict on the beach; two weeks since he had left Charles lying on the beach, held by the woman who had fired the bullet that had laid him out on the sand.<p>

But that was wrong, wasn't it. It had been her gun that fired the bullet, but it was Erik who sent that bullet into Charles' back. The very thought of it made his eyes sting. He had replayed the scene in his mind a thousand times, wondering what he could have done to change that ending. His heart felt like it was dying, or maybe that was his soul. Raven, no…Mystique now, watched him with an expression or pity mixed with her own self-loathing at leaving Charles there on that beach.

He kept Shaw's helmet on his head and refused to remove it.

He imagined he felt the push of Charles' mind against the helmet, stubbornly looking for an opening he could exploit. He stayed silent, knowing that would only hurt Charles more, but he could do nothing else. Though he knew that the helmet would keep Charles from hearing his thoughts, Erik felt like he was constantly sending a river of apologies to Charles. They would never be enough; rivers could never fill the oceans of his grief.

He would lie in bed at night, feeling those phantom nudges through the helmet, and imagine pressing his lips to Charles' own just one last time. He knew that would never be possible again.

* * *

><p>There had been a moment in time, before Cuba, before he moved that satellite, where he had a choice. He knew that falling in love was a bad decision, it would only make him weak and choke the independence out of him, but he hadn't been able to stop himself.<p>

Erik knew, somehow, that Charles still knew he loved him. That was why Charles kept up those little nudges, hoping and wishing that one day the helmet wouldn't be there to stop him.

And his heart broke every time he felt that fleeting shove and he couldn't bring himself to remove the helmet.

* * *

><p>February 13th, 1963<p>

Alex answered the front door of the mansion, a delivery man stood there in a brown uniform.

"Delivery for Professor Charles Xavier" He said, voice completely bored.

"Umm…he's busy right now. I can sign for it." The delivery man looked disgruntled.

"It has be the Professor, no one else can sign for the package kid." Alex was more than slightly annoyed at being referred to as a kid and he would have likely done something rash if he hadn't heard the whir of a motor behind him.

"Its fine Alex, I was already on my way down." Alex stood back and let Charles navigate his chair, motorized through some complex device that Hank had built, up to the door. He signed for the delivery and was handed a box from the local florist. Alex watched the small, sad smile cross the Professor's face, but before he could ask him where the gift had come from Charles was heading back into his study.

Sean looked curiously at the arrangement of roses when he came into the study that evening to borrow a book from the Professor. A box of chocolate set next to the vase, with a card open on top. Sean was, of course, curious and peaked at the inside. The inside was printed with hearts and cupids, trite Valentine's Day silliness. The text was printed on in overly romantic font.

_Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,_  
><em>And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.<em>  
>~ <em>Mid-Summer Night's Dream<em>

Below it was a short, hand-written message, in a hand that Sean didn't recognize.

**Rivers flow into the oceans, and oceans never fill,  
>I want to let you know me, but I know I never will.<strong>

_- _**M**

* * *

><p>October 23rd, 1965<p>

Sean collapsed onto the couch in the Professor's office with a great sigh.

"You sound as if you have the entire world on your shoulders Sean. What is wrong?" Charles looked up from the book he was reading.

"Why is love so complicated?" He honestly expected an off the cuff answer from the Professor , who, despite the flowers he received on February 13th every year, seemed to have no interest in romance. He instead received a sigh, equal in depth to his own.

"Love is a contradiction, Sean. It can make you happier than anything in the world, but it can also break you into a thousand pieces. Love is complicated because people are afraid of it." Sean considered that and several things finally clicked into place about his own life…and about the professor's.

"Thank you Professor."

"You know you don't have to call me that Sean. It makes me feel old."

"That's why I always say it" Sean grinned at Charles as he walked out of the room. He had a girl to talk to.

* * *

><p>February 13th, 1966<p>

It was 3 am when Charles was pulled out of his sleep by…something. His first thought was for the 'children', a ridiculous thing to still call them after all this time, but he could sense nothing wrong in the school.

He reached out for the disturbance and gasped as he felt Erik's mind for the first time in nearly 4 years. He reached out and grabbed for it, the surface emotions were scattered and confused. Erik was exhausted and hurt.

'Erik?' he prodded gently.

'Charles? How…' Charles saw a series of memories, violent flashes of action which led to Erik's helmet being lost. 'Right, of course…lost my helmet earlier.'

'How are you?' Charles asked.

'Can't you tell?' Erik sent back, seeming annoyed.

'You're hurt…'

'I'll be fine, Mysti…Raven will find me soon.'

'Right…of course. How…how is she?'

'She's healthy and as safe as I can keep her…she doesn't appreciate being kept out of danger.'

'She never has.'

Mental silence stretched out between them. Thoughts flitted into Charles' brain at lightning speed, he could only pick up bits and pieces, but enough filtered through that Charles was able to understand a few things.

'You miss me.' He said, a little bit of awe worked its way into his sending.

'Of course' Erik sent the thought, the dry tone to it made it seem like Charles' was insane for even thinking it could be otherwise.

'but you don't want to come back?'

'I would always want to leave if I did.'

'I wish you would come back.'

'You never could stay angry with me.' Self-loathing crept into that thought.

'Why would I be angry?'

'You're paralyzed Charles, that was my fault.'

'No, it wasn't.' Solid, absolute certainty filled Erik's mind along with those three words.

'You're delusional Charles.'

'And you are very good at taking the blame for everything on yourself.'

'You know I wish things were different…if I could leave this life behind…' regret filled up that thought.

'I know you never will.' Good humor and affection swept into Erik's mind.

'Then how can you still love me?'

'The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.' Charles quoted.

'Always the Professor.' Erik chuckled 'Mystique is here…with my helmet.'

'Go' was all that Charles said, but the word was coated in layers of love and understanding.

A second later he was left with an empty, cold spot in his mind; as empty and cold as the space beside him in the bed.

* * *

><p>February 14th, 1967<p>

The doorbell rang and Mystique jumped up from the couch where she had been reading.

"You stay here." She said to Erik, who just smirked at her overly protective nature. He often wondered if she had been this protective of Charles and, thinking of the way they had interacted, he had to say it was likely.

Mystique transformed into the pretty blonde-haired house wife that fit into the neighborhood perfectly. They had been using this suburban home as their base for quite some time, allowing Erik to recover from injuries he had received from a mutant he had tried to recruit who had been less than interested.

She came back from the front door with an envelope.

"It's for you. I think it's from Charles."

"Oh, he's finally managed to track us down. I suppose it's time to find a new headquarters then." He didn't appear all that worried though. He took the envelope from her and opened it. She looked curious, but he didn't offer to show her the contents so she went back to the couch.

The inside of the envelope had a single sheet of paper in it. Typed on it was a single sentence.

_Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly. _

And below it, written in Charles graceful penmanship.

**Rivers never fill the oceans, but oceans always feel...  
>The waters reaching deep inside them, I guess they always will.<strong>

**- X**

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><p><em>(1)I'm feeling older than my years, I'm feeling pain inside my chest.<em>  
><em>You know it's love that keeps me silent, it's my silence you detest.<em>  
><em>Rivers flow into the ocean, and oceans never fill,<em>  
><em>I want to kiss your lips but I know I never will.<em>

_Love's a hard decision to risk impending choke,_  
><em>So my love will keep you wishing,<em>  
><em>and my heart will keep me broke.<em>

_I give you flowers, give you candy to even out the guilt._  
><em>I send you greeting cards with messages that I could never write.<em>  
><em>Rivers flow into the oceans, and oceans never fill,<em>  
><em>I want to let you know me, but I know I never will.<em>

_Love's a contradiction made of mirrors and smoke,_  
><em>So my love will keep you wishing,<em>  
><em>and my heart it makes me broke.<em>

_(2)You will always want me, (1)and I'll always want to leave._  
><em>Even though I cut your wounds, (2)you still deny they're real.<em>  
><em>(1&amp;2)Rivers flow into the oceans, and oceans never fill,<em>  
><em>(1)I want to lay my life down, (2)but I know you never will.<em>

_(1&2)Love's a strange condition with all the doubts it can invoke,_  
><em>(2)Your love keeps me wishing, (1)and my heart it keeps me broke.<em>

_(2)Baby, don't you cry 'cause I got it all figured out._  
><em>You'll always make me sad, but that's what true love is all about.<em>  
><em>Rivers never fill the oceans, but oceans always feel...<em>  
><em>The waters reaching deep inside them, I guess they always will.<em>

_(1&2)Loves a constant mission, truer words were never spoke,_  
><em>So my love will keeps you wishin' and my heart it keep me broke...<em>

_..keeps me wishing, my heart it makes me broke...mirrors and smoke._


End file.
